I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better daycare-to-preschool transition.  Shane is just loving “pre-k” (I can’t use the word “school” or he FREAKS out).  LOVING.  He asks me every night while we’re lying in his bed if he can go to pre-k tomorrow and every morning he’s anxious and excited to get out of the house and to get to his new friends and teachers.  Every evening, when I go to pick him up, he’s always busy playing with the other kids and it always takes him a minute or two to even realize I’m there.  His teachers have nothing but fantastic things to say about him and they all agree that he’s doing REALLY well and really has just carved out a little place for himself there.  He’s excited about taking a lunch to school everyday and he’s eating most of it and is even “taking a rest” afterwards during quiet time!  I honestly couldn’t ask for more.  Shane is a remarkable little boy and I know his Daddy is keeping a watchful eye on him to make sure he’s doing the best he can do.  In that respect, I consider us lucky.

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It’s obvious to me that Chris has been on Shane’s mind a lot lately.  This morning he asked me for his LIVESTRONG bracelet - something he’s NEVER asked me for before.  So I got one out of my drawer and put it on his wrist.  And he left it there, didn’t even attempt to “play” with it.  And when we got to pre-k this morning, his teacher was telling me again how great he was doing.  She also said that Shane talks about his Dad all the time.  They think it’s Shane’s way of bringing people he doesn’t know that well into his world.  They think it’s a good thing and encourage him to talk about Chris.  I told his teacher that Chris’ biggest fear during our cancer battle was that something would happen to him (I hate that this fear came true) and that Shane wouldn’t remember who he was.  Miss Dotty told me that if what they’re seeing is any indication, Shane will never forget his dad.  For this, too, I consider us lucky.

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As for the accident on Tuesday, I had an estimate for repair in my hand by 1pm that afternoon (I’ve been very impressed with our insurance company - Travelers) and shortly after I ran out to get some lunch.  I noticed that the rear drivers side door wouldn’t close all the way after the appraiser had opened it to do his inspection.  I called our body shop to see if the car was safe to drive like this (I was worried about Shane being in the back seat - though his carseat is on the passenger side) and the body shop said probably not.  I ended up having to take the car down to the body shop that same afternoon and pick up a rental.  I’m now driving around in a car that’s not mine due to an accident that wasn’t my fault, but apparently is.  The more I think about things, the more I truly don’t see how all of this could be my fault.  I was driving on a ONE LANE road and put my blinker on to make the left hand turn.  There were NO cars coming from the opposite direction - it couldn’t have been any clearer for me to go - so it wasn’t even like I stopped or slowed down a lot.  I simply just made my turn and the guy BEHIND me hit ME.  If he wasn’t driving so close to me he should’ve/would’ve had more than enough time to stop - regardless of whether I made a wide turn or not.  And the cop, who let that guy go before he let me go, took off before I was even done talking to him to try to straighten this whole thing out (or at least try to understand how I could be at fault).  I’m just really annoyed and angry.  My insurance company said that they do their own investigation to determine fault, and I’m hoping they find I’m NOT, because if this affects my rates I’m going to be even more angry.  Ticket or no ticket, I’m going to have to fight it because I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong.   I’m tired of all the crap in my life.  The O’Connors’ have paid their dues.  It’s time to move on now, bad carma.  You’re not welcome here anymore.

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It’s weeks like this one that make Chris’ absence even more real.  I want his arms to fall into when life gets difficult.  I want his voice, his words, to calm me down and soothe away the hurt.  The anger.  The sadness.  I want him.  I want my husband.  I want Chris.  I’m tired of wanting.  I’m tired of missing.  I’m tired of sadness.  And of pain.  I want love again.  I want my husband.

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Finally, Happy Birthday to Aunt Trae!  We wish we were there with you.  We wish your brother was here to call you today (though I wish that for you everyday).  Have an amazing, amazing day - you totally deserve it!