The last few weeks have been the kind that make me question why I do this.  Why I get out of bed and use everything within me to get Shane and I through the day that lies ahead.  Why I struggle to pretend like life is still happy.  Why I paint the smile on my face and practice making my voice sound joyful.  These weeks have made me look at the future and wonder if I can do THIS for the rest of my life.

The grief and raising Shane is all I can handle right now.  My plate is full.  I have TONS of help and support everyday, but my plate is still full.  I don’t have room, energy or strength (emotionally or physically) to deal with anything else.

But the “anything else” keeps coming anyway.

Shane and I are currently on “state assisted” health insurance.  It’s great for him, but it sucks for me.  Not only do none of my existing doctors take this insurance, but the walk-in center I often use doesn’t take it either.  Add to that the fact that there are VERY FEW doctors in the area that do take the insurance, and I’m pretty much left with having to go to the ER everytime I require any kind of medical attention. Two weeks ago I applied for insurance through Aetna for myself.  It’s slightly less affordable than the state assisted insurance, but all my doctors take it.  I learned yesterday that I was declined coverage because of the infertility treatments Chris and I went through.  So not only did I go through all of that invasive medical testing, only to quit when we got the cancer diagnosis, but now that same testing is keeping me from getting health insurance.  And I don’t even have a 2nd baby to show for it.  And the tests all came back clear.  And I was never officially diagnosed as having infertility.  So, yes, I’m appealing the decision - but it’s one more thing to worry about and have to take care of.

Add to that all the money I’ve been purging the last couple months and I totally feel like I’m drowning.  This accident will cost me at least $1,000 ($500 deductible and $500 for the rental) and that’s if my rates don’t go up (for an accident that wasn’t my fault, but apparently was).  I have to pull money out of the life insurance account every month to pay the mortgage - the same mortgage I can’t pay down and refinance on until the probate process is over.  I also just learned, yesterday as well, that the court fees and lawyer fees for the probate process will cost me $3,000 - and I don’t know what else involved in this process will cost me money.  I just feel like it’s a never ending, uphill battle.  And I get that almost everyone out there has similar financial issues, especially in this economy, but most people have their spouse sitting there next to them while they write the checks and wonder where the money for next weeks bills will come from.  And I know, in my head, that it’s not as bad as it sounds.  I know how much worse it could be.  My husband planned ahead, he made sure we’d be okay, he had decent life insurance policies, and yes - we are okay right now, but I’m worried about the future.  Shane’s 3 years old.  With any luck, we’ve got a lot of life ahead of us and probably not enough funds.

These last few weeks have tested me.  And I’m not sure I’ve faired very well.  I am nervous about the future.  About how I’ll do this on my own.  And being nervous on top of being sad is just more than I can handle right now.