I don’t even know what to say anymore.  Eight months.  Feels like a lifetime ago.  I hate that I have such a hard time remembering life before cancer.  That life literally feels like it was another time.  You’ve either been battling cancer, or gone, for a year and a half now.  We lost pieces of you along the way and now all that’s left are memories that are hard to come by.  I still hate life without you and I would still do just about anything to have you back again.  There’s not much I wouldn’t give to be able to spend one more night in your arms.  I hate this day.  I hate all these days.  I wonder if the 16th will ever just be another number again.

My heart still breaks for you when I think of all that you went through.  I still feel like I could vomit when I think back to that last day.  To your last day.  To those final moments.  To how quickly things changed once Jamie walked into that ICU room.  It simply wasn’t supposed to be this way.  You were supposed to beat this thing.  We were supposed to have YEARS of a good life ahead of us.  Shane was supposed to learn so many things from you.  And in 9 short and painful months that was all taken away from us.

I still find myself talking about you nonstop to anyone that will listen and I fear the day when there will be no one left who is willing to do so.  I wake up in the morning, roll over and still find myself surprised that you’re not there. Those first 3 seconds in the morning are my favorite.  They are the only time when I forget.  But that 4th second, the one when I remember, that one is the most painful.

I’m still lonely.  Lonelier than I thought a person ever could be.  I long for you.  My husband.  The person who knows me better than I know myself.  I miss your touch.  Your scent.  Your voice.  I miss your sense of humor.  I miss your sarcastic comebacks.  I miss your one liners.  I miss your stories.  I miss your friendship.  I miss your everlasting love for me.  I miss watching you with our son.  I miss seeing the two of you love each other as you did.  I hate that this is our life now.  I hate feeling so lonely.  And I hate the pain of missing you.

I still struggle with getting out of bed and living the day that lies ahead.  I struggle with finding a way to do that that doesn’t discredit what my life with you means to me.  I don’t want to move forward because moving forward means leaving our life behind and that is not something I’m willing to do.  Ever.

Grief is still part of my everyday.  And I think it always will be.  I hope, in time, the pain will lessen, but it will never be gone.  My desire to have you back will never be gone.  We were meant to be, you and I.  Love is stronger than death.  I know that for certain now.

Once again, I feel the need to borrow that fitting sentiment from your old pal Jerry Garcia:
Such a long long time to be gone and such a short time to be there

I miss you, baby.  And I love you.  Always.